ONCE AGAIN I RUIN CHRISTMAS

SOOOOOOOOOOOO YYYYYEEEEAAAHHH
Sorry about the lack of blog lately. I haven't had the best week. (The best week I ever had was when the wall to that strip club across the street fell down ahhh yeah)
SOOO yeah snow day today. Its a day to drink cocoa, make a snowman, and write your name in urine on your neighbor's lawn.  (Sorry neighbors, it was too tempting) 


Christmas is coming on to us like a drunken hooker. Fast, sudden and the only way to get rid of it is to throw money at it. The most anticipated toy is a Barbie with a video camera that puts videos on the internet.  (Becuse the world does not have enough videos being posted on the internet by blonde girls made of plastic.) This toy is supposed to be very popular among little girls.  (And pedophiles that want to trick little girls into video taping themselves.) Serioulsy, who the hell thought that was a good idea?  (A creepy toy like that gets bought, but my toy "babies first hand grenade" doesn't?)  

SO, as we all know,  at this time of year  a fat old man with a beard, aka Santa, sneaks into your house and leaves gifts at your tree. Now, how does he afford flying reindeer, elves and the material to make toys? Well, I snuck into the north pole to find out.:
1. the elves.  They are not elves, they are really children Santa takes from orphanages. They are free cheap labor. (he stole the idea from NIKE; yeah they use child slave labor otherwise I wouldn't have found a help me note in my sportsbra....uhh i mean sneakers)
2. how does he see u when you're sleeping ?the same way I do.  He gets his friend the tooth fairy to put tiny micorchips in your teeth. don't worry; they dont do any damage (excpet erectile disfunction, extra foot, unexpected pregnency, explosive diaherria, explosive constapation, loss of hair, and horrible painful unexpected death.)
3.how does Santa have all the resources to make all these presents? Simple: he gets resources from the black market. yep that stuffed pony was once a real pony. That nerf gun is made from parts of a real gun. That tickle me Elmo?  u do not want to know what that is made of believe me.
4.yeah those flying reindeers? they are mooses.(flying reindeer? that's just ridiculous)

so follow, comment, send me a fruitcake (that was my nickname in prison plz dont ask)