As I sat in my smoking lounge holding my pipe while wearing my fancy robe (Yeah i have all these things. The trick to being rich is to not pay your taxes.) I wonder what to talk about in my next blog (and my strange love hate feelings towards Justein Beiber......What) I glanced towards my panda bear skin rug. (I killed it with my bear hands and 15 tons of plastic explosive.) and wondered why they were endangered. Then it came to me
THEIR GAY!!!!!
(this explains why their justin beibers favorite animal)
Thats right u heard me. But Evil Toast their endangered cause we destroyed their bamboo forest. I dont use bamboo for anything NO ONE DOES!!!!! The only use it has is as bait to lead the pandas to my giant cache of plastic explosives.
Its illegal to hunt them (according to my lawyers it was self deffense. The panda had a gun *wink*) and ive eaten one. its like eating a skinnier version of snookey from Jersey Shore. (why dont people pay me to be an idiot on TV) WARNING: DO NOT EAT SNOOKY!!! THE AMOUNT OF PLASTIC IN HER NOSE AND BOOBS WILL GIVE YOU DIAHERRIA AND THE AMOUNT OF UV RAYS IN HER SKIN WILL GIVE YOU CANCER!!!
So its obvious their just getting it on with each other. Ive seen them looking at another male panda seductivly. I know what you are all thinking. Evil Toast your just jealous of the pandas. Its true I am. I know their trying to seduce me eating their bamboo all sexy like they do. But the problem with dating a panda is that he doesnt call you rhe next day. Then you run into each other at a party and its just ackward cause hes with another guy named Chad and your with another panda and u just look at each other weirdly and then cry yourself to sleep that night. Its true ive been there WAHHH WHY DID U LEAVE ME PAUL PANDA WHY DID U LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
*DO TO TECHNICAL DIFFULCULTIES WHICH INVOLVES EVIL TOAST CRYING IN A CORNER WHILE LISTENING TO LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE THIS IS WHERE THIS BLOG ENDS*
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
You'll Laught, You'll Cry, and You May Vomit a Little & I Tell the True Meaning of Thanks Giving
Thats right every one im talking about that pointless holiday between Hallowen and Chrismas.
Im Talking about Thanks Giving.
Now what is the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Giving Thanks? Hell No! Family? Dont make me laugh! (seriously when I laugh its like tickle me Elmo mixed with the pillsberry dough boy.) I KNOW ITS ABOUT COMING TOGETHOR IN PEACE??? BULLSHIT!!!!!
Its about tricking your enimies in to baking you food then slaughtering them infront of their families, stealing their land, raping their women, and destroying their sacred culture.
Thats rght im talking about the pilgrims and the Native Americans. (Ohh u think im cruel? Your the one that kills a turkey then shoves bread up its dead ass only so u can later eat that bird.) I can only imagine how the end of that feast went down.
Pilgrim:WOW that was a great feast only makes me feel bad what were about to do to u.
Indian:What are u going to do??
Pilgrim:GIVE U THE BIGGEST PEICE OF PIE!!!!!!
INDIAN: =)
Pilgrim: Also were going to take your land and kill most of you.
Indian: =(
(thats exactly how it went down kids ask your teachers.)
But BOO FREAKIN WHOOOOO Indians. Your not as peace loving as you say you are. The Apachaes went around takng other indian tribes scalps. (Thats when they take a hatchet to your head and skin the top of it off like a fleashy tuna can) Then they collected the scalps and wore them. Im cruel but not that cruel. (Actually i am that cruel but the FBI took my hatchet......long story short i ended of in guatemala bay.)
Besides you want to know what happened to my ancestors who thought it was a good idea to stay in the Ukrain??? The russian soildeirs came raped everybody (boys and chicks) slit peoples throats and chopped of there hands and lined the dead bodies up against the church. Then they burned the crops. So the people who did survive frozed and starved to death. But you dont see me complaing. (Thats cause instead of complaing i have plans to conquer Russia and change it into the biggest amusment park ever. This is all top secret so dont tell the FBI.)
Besides Indians first of all u get your own reservations. Sure there poverty ridden hell holes but their your poverty ridden hell holes. Second you get your own casiones. If some on shot me in the crotch but then gave me a casino id freaking kiss them. (This isnt an invitaition to shoot me in the groin. I know some of you are thinking about it.) Third we named are sports teams after you. I mean thats just epic! i sent the NFL a letter petioning for a team called the FIGHTING EVIL TOAST but they havent responded.
Besides with out the Europeans you wouldnt have alcohol, guns, and sexually transmitted dieseases. You know all the things that make life fun
So Indians be proud of your new lives and stop trying to make me feel bad cause i could honestly not care less.
Closing Lines: So rember the true meaning of Thanks Giving this year. Destroying your enimies. So instead of spending it with your family (come on you see them every day) have dinner with your enemy and then when they go use your restroom put C4 under their car, take a dump in their pool, or hire the mafia to kidnap their favorite pet and hold it for ransom. (If the FBI catches you doing this you dont know me.)
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE >=)
Im Talking about Thanks Giving.
Now what is the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Giving Thanks? Hell No! Family? Dont make me laugh! (seriously when I laugh its like tickle me Elmo mixed with the pillsberry dough boy.) I KNOW ITS ABOUT COMING TOGETHOR IN PEACE??? BULLSHIT!!!!!
Its about tricking your enimies in to baking you food then slaughtering them infront of their families, stealing their land, raping their women, and destroying their sacred culture.
Thats rght im talking about the pilgrims and the Native Americans. (Ohh u think im cruel? Your the one that kills a turkey then shoves bread up its dead ass only so u can later eat that bird.) I can only imagine how the end of that feast went down.
Pilgrim:WOW that was a great feast only makes me feel bad what were about to do to u.
Indian:What are u going to do??
Pilgrim:GIVE U THE BIGGEST PEICE OF PIE!!!!!!
INDIAN: =)
Pilgrim: Also were going to take your land and kill most of you.
Indian: =(
(thats exactly how it went down kids ask your teachers.)
But BOO FREAKIN WHOOOOO Indians. Your not as peace loving as you say you are. The Apachaes went around takng other indian tribes scalps. (Thats when they take a hatchet to your head and skin the top of it off like a fleashy tuna can) Then they collected the scalps and wore them. Im cruel but not that cruel. (Actually i am that cruel but the FBI took my hatchet......long story short i ended of in guatemala bay.)
Besides you want to know what happened to my ancestors who thought it was a good idea to stay in the Ukrain??? The russian soildeirs came raped everybody (boys and chicks) slit peoples throats and chopped of there hands and lined the dead bodies up against the church. Then they burned the crops. So the people who did survive frozed and starved to death. But you dont see me complaing. (Thats cause instead of complaing i have plans to conquer Russia and change it into the biggest amusment park ever. This is all top secret so dont tell the FBI.)
Besides Indians first of all u get your own reservations. Sure there poverty ridden hell holes but their your poverty ridden hell holes. Second you get your own casiones. If some on shot me in the crotch but then gave me a casino id freaking kiss them. (This isnt an invitaition to shoot me in the groin. I know some of you are thinking about it.) Third we named are sports teams after you. I mean thats just epic! i sent the NFL a letter petioning for a team called the FIGHTING EVIL TOAST but they havent responded.
Besides with out the Europeans you wouldnt have alcohol, guns, and sexually transmitted dieseases. You know all the things that make life fun
So Indians be proud of your new lives and stop trying to make me feel bad cause i could honestly not care less.
Closing Lines: So rember the true meaning of Thanks Giving this year. Destroying your enimies. So instead of spending it with your family (come on you see them every day) have dinner with your enemy and then when they go use your restroom put C4 under their car, take a dump in their pool, or hire the mafia to kidnap their favorite pet and hold it for ransom. (If the FBI catches you doing this you dont know me.)
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE >=)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Making the Internet a Filthier Place one Post at a Time & I Talk About the French
Thats Right im back and im full of more weirdness than ever.
Today we are going to talk about the french. Today in my latin class(I hate latin so much its like if hulk hogan put on a metal boot with spikes and repedtly kicked u in the groin right after u just got raped by a porqupine!) r spanish exchange student told us that most countries hate us but France hates us the most
I guess i would be mad to at a country that shaved us in WWI and WWII. Oh wait no i woudlnt id be giving them backrubs and monkeys in sombreoes and a talking lama. I mean cmon Franch ur such push overs i mean seriously u had America, England, and Russia on your side i mean cmon. OHHHH NOOO the very tiny country of germany is coming at us if only we had an army and really powerful allies. WAIT WE DO LETS SURRENDER ANY WAY. seriously at this point u might is well change ur flag from red, white, and blue to just white. OHHHHHH but evil toast the french invented the baget. 2 THINGS!!!! 1. Its just stale bread in the shape of a crescent who the hell wants to eat that!!! 2. Doughnuts are much cooler and we invented thoose or at least stole em from the germans or something.
But Evil Toast they invented the Eiffel Tower. 2 Things. 1. It looks like a ginat dick 2. we have the washington monument that also looks like a dick but is bigger. So ha France we have the bigger dick
But Evil Toast french wasnt always such cry babies what about the France Revolution.
They soooooo ripped that off from our revolution those copycat cheese eating surrendor monkeys
Surly Evil Toast u have something good to say about Franch???
Well yes i do they invented french kissing.........................wait a second now that i think of it thats just a good way to spread herpires.
SO IN CONCLUSION THE FINAL SCORE IS
USA=5000000000000000000
FRANCE= -150
so with that all i have to say is
USA
US500000000000
Today we are going to talk about the french. Today in my latin class(I hate latin so much its like if hulk hogan put on a metal boot with spikes and repedtly kicked u in the groin right after u just got raped by a porqupine!) r spanish exchange student told us that most countries hate us but France hates us the most
I guess i would be mad to at a country that shaved us in WWI and WWII. Oh wait no i woudlnt id be giving them backrubs and monkeys in sombreoes and a talking lama. I mean cmon Franch ur such push overs i mean seriously u had America, England, and Russia on your side i mean cmon. OHHHH NOOO the very tiny country of germany is coming at us if only we had an army and really powerful allies. WAIT WE DO LETS SURRENDER ANY WAY. seriously at this point u might is well change ur flag from red, white, and blue to just white. OHHHHHH but evil toast the french invented the baget. 2 THINGS!!!! 1. Its just stale bread in the shape of a crescent who the hell wants to eat that!!! 2. Doughnuts are much cooler and we invented thoose or at least stole em from the germans or something.
But Evil Toast they invented the Eiffel Tower. 2 Things. 1. It looks like a ginat dick 2. we have the washington monument that also looks like a dick but is bigger. So ha France we have the bigger dick
But Evil Toast french wasnt always such cry babies what about the France Revolution.
They soooooo ripped that off from our revolution those copycat cheese eating surrendor monkeys
Surly Evil Toast u have something good to say about Franch???
Well yes i do they invented french kissing.........................wait a second now that i think of it thats just a good way to spread herpires.
SO IN CONCLUSION THE FINAL SCORE IS
USA=5000000000000000000
FRANCE= -150
so with that all i have to say is
USA
US500000000000
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Chupacabra
Now I know what you are all thinking. who let this idiot have a blog? Well the answer is the internet did so ha >=)
Yeah any who why the Chupacabra u ask. Well i was talking to a male mexican underwear model (who are u to judge) so i asked him do u have a bigfoot in Mexico? Well they dont for some reason.(cmon even Canda has a bigfoot) But they do have something so hideous so terryfying that michel jackson looks like a baby angel compared to it. The Chupacarbra (aka The Goat Sucker.........yeah im thinking perverted things right now to) Now the theory of a Chpacarbra is that its a vampire that sucks the blood out of goats or an alien that also sucks the blood out of goats. So pretty much its what happens when ET and Edward Cullen get drunk and have a baby.(Hey it could happen) It has alluded hunters and trappers. Who did mexico hire to kill this thing? Elma Thudd? Its the hideous child of an emo teen vampire and a gay alien doesnt sound to hard to catch??? so yeah thats my 2 cents on something random u know become my follower and we shall rule the world (Well i will but I might send u a gift basket)
Yeah any who why the Chupacabra u ask. Well i was talking to a male mexican underwear model (who are u to judge) so i asked him do u have a bigfoot in Mexico? Well they dont for some reason.(cmon even Canda has a bigfoot) But they do have something so hideous so terryfying that michel jackson looks like a baby angel compared to it. The Chupacarbra (aka The Goat Sucker.........yeah im thinking perverted things right now to) Now the theory of a Chpacarbra is that its a vampire that sucks the blood out of goats or an alien that also sucks the blood out of goats. So pretty much its what happens when ET and Edward Cullen get drunk and have a baby.(Hey it could happen) It has alluded hunters and trappers. Who did mexico hire to kill this thing? Elma Thudd? Its the hideous child of an emo teen vampire and a gay alien doesnt sound to hard to catch??? so yeah thats my 2 cents on something random u know become my follower and we shall rule the world (Well i will but I might send u a gift basket)
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