ONCE AGAIN I RUIN CHRISTMAS

SOOOOOOOOOOOO YYYYYEEEEAAAHHH
Sorry about the lack of blog lately. I haven't had the best week. (The best week I ever had was when the wall to that strip club across the street fell down ahhh yeah)
SOOO yeah snow day today. Its a day to drink cocoa, make a snowman, and write your name in urine on your neighbor's lawn.  (Sorry neighbors, it was too tempting) 


Christmas is coming on to us like a drunken hooker. Fast, sudden and the only way to get rid of it is to throw money at it. The most anticipated toy is a Barbie with a video camera that puts videos on the internet.  (Becuse the world does not have enough videos being posted on the internet by blonde girls made of plastic.) This toy is supposed to be very popular among little girls.  (And pedophiles that want to trick little girls into video taping themselves.) Serioulsy, who the hell thought that was a good idea?  (A creepy toy like that gets bought, but my toy "babies first hand grenade" doesn't?)  

SO, as we all know,  at this time of year  a fat old man with a beard, aka Santa, sneaks into your house and leaves gifts at your tree. Now, how does he afford flying reindeer, elves and the material to make toys? Well, I snuck into the north pole to find out.:
1. the elves.  They are not elves, they are really children Santa takes from orphanages. They are free cheap labor. (he stole the idea from NIKE; yeah they use child slave labor otherwise I wouldn't have found a help me note in my sportsbra....uhh i mean sneakers)
2. how does he see u when you're sleeping ?the same way I do.  He gets his friend the tooth fairy to put tiny micorchips in your teeth. don't worry; they dont do any damage (excpet erectile disfunction, extra foot, unexpected pregnency, explosive diaherria, explosive constapation, loss of hair, and horrible painful unexpected death.)
3.how does Santa have all the resources to make all these presents? Simple: he gets resources from the black market. yep that stuffed pony was once a real pony. That nerf gun is made from parts of a real gun. That tickle me Elmo?  u do not want to know what that is made of believe me.
4.yeah those flying reindeers? they are mooses.(flying reindeer? that's just ridiculous)

so follow, comment, send me a fruitcake (that was my nickname in prison plz dont ask)

Now Heres Something for the Ladies or Really Creepy Guys o.0 ???

I was in my room staring dreamily at my Taylor Lautner Poster......um did i say staring uhh i meant punching him in his rock hard dreamy abs of steel mmmmmmm (plz like u never thought this guys i mean he's almost as sexy as a panda) and it got me thinking about Twighlight. Yeah I've never read the books or seen the movies but im going to just use the knowledge my sister has told me.

So yeah theres an emo guy name Edward
SPOILER ALERT!!!
hes a vampire (el gasp) and even though hes 1000 years old (almost as old as Larry King) he still look like hes 18 and still goes to highschool. (if hes a 1000 years old and hangs around schools  does that make him a petafile??? also he hasnt been able to drink or buy a hooker for 1000 years that s rough.) Immeditly a normal girl (well as normal as u can be when ur attracted to emo bloodsuckers and harry people...wonder if she would like pandas) is drawn to him because u know a guys deep when he wears turtlenecks and is so pale that if u look at him u go blind. So he takes her on their first date to the woods. ummm yeah i dont care if u r a vampire dont go with a creepy red eyed guy to the woods believe me ive been their (shurrder) ohh unless he offers u candy then i say go for it. Soo yeah hes like i like turtlenecks, man eyeshadow, and sucking the blood out of peoples necks. Then the girls like OMG THATS SOO HOT. Its okay though cause he only hunts deer.(which is worse have u ever tried killing a vampire deer its hard.) Ohh and he glistens did i mention that. Yeah u know u are a manly man when u sparkle like michel jackson's sparkley glove (cause we know he is such a man. Which leads me to a question why do vampires look hot when they glisten b ut when i put sparkle glitter on myself people call me gay???)


Then theirs Jacob (Fan girl squeelll........uh i mean manly grunt)
So hes a normal kid that decides to try and pet the weird giant wolf thats growling at him and gets bitten(ooooooo who saw that coming) any way he becomes a werewolf that makes him grow(in height u perverts gawd) also it makes him become a werewolf when ever he gets phissed.(sort of like how justin beiber punches a 12 year old when he gets phissed....well in his defense that was pretty ballsy considering that the 12 year old could of taken him down in a second.) ripping his clothes (awwwww yeah) and turning into a wolf.(watch out!! Sarah Palin will track u down.)
P.S  I LOVE U SARAH I VOTED FOR U 5 TIMES (what i love thoose i voted stickers)
So the girl is like OMG I TOTALLY DONT KNOW WHO I LOVE ILL TOTALLY MAKE EM FIGHT EACH OTHER TO THE DEATH FOR ME LIKE TOTALLY(bitch alert) 
1. hmmm emo guy that glistens and has a bloodlust (like the teletubbies thoose sick bastards killed my family) or the Tan guy with Abs. OHHHH yeah impossible choice. Taylor can change into a wolf hes a boyfriend u can pet and put bows in his fur!!!!
2. Life would be soo much simpler if we sholved all our problems buy fighting to the death
3. u dont deserve either of them all u do is act emo, almost get killed, and cause a giant war between the vampires and wereolves (humans would win because we have bigfoot, the chupacarbra, the lochness monster, and the muppets on our side duh, oh and santa that dude will shove your stocking full of cool where the sun wont shine.)
4. and we all know i deserve Jacob duh(im not gay or am I???????? nah im not.)

ACTUAL SPOILER ALERT DONT READ UNLESS U HAVE FINISHED THE SEREIES!!!!
SOOOOOOOOOO she chooses the vampire gets knocked up (dude is 1000 years old their is no way thats his only kid. He probly isnt a vampire just some guy that says he is to pick up chicks.) the baby is slowly sucking the life out of her (just like octomom) she lives (yeah baby, booo girl)
Jacob has a weird bond with the baby..........come on man this is a  kids book gawd! ewwwwwwww!
And the series end leaving many a sad teenager girl (im looking at u justein beiber) 

Soo thats my review on Twighlight. Yeah blew ur mind didnt it. So my bloggyness has spread to some pretty cool people. check out these blogs 

http://theblogofsmallpockets.blogspot.com/
 http://randomshenaniganism.blogspot.com/
Their Posts are like a pot circle in your mouth and every ones invited (except me *sniff*)
Yeah follow, comment, send me a cookie

8 Subscribers If U Guys Were Any Awsomer U Would Sweet Double Rainbows

YEAH GUYS!!!!!!! 8 SUBSCRIBERS (thats like 56 in dog numbers) ONCE WE REACH 100 I WILL BEGIN MY ASSULT ON FRANCE!!! FIRE WILL RAIN DOWN ON THEM AND ARMYS OF TELLETUBIES WILL MARCH THROUGH THE STREETS (they make great hired merceneries) AND CANDY WILL RAIN FROM THE SKIES

Check out these peoples blogs there funny and these people turn me on a little (and when i say a little i mean allot)

http://theblogofsmallpockets.blogspot.com/

http://randomshenaniganism.blogspot.com/

Yeah but do to my visit to the travel agecy,studying(heh yeah right) my blog post wont be updatd till tommrow

It Was This or Do Homework & The Real Reasons Pandas are Endangered

As I sat in my smoking lounge holding my pipe while wearing my fancy robe (Yeah i have all these things. The trick to being rich is to not pay your taxes.) I wonder what to talk about in my next blog (and my strange love hate feelings towards Justein Beiber......What) I glanced towards my panda bear skin rug. (I killed it with my bear hands and 15 tons of plastic explosive.) and wondered why they were endangered. Then it came to me

THEIR GAY!!!!!
(this explains why their justin beibers favorite animal)

Thats right u heard me. But Evil Toast their endangered cause we destroyed their bamboo forest. I dont use bamboo for anything NO ONE DOES!!!!! The only use it has is as bait to lead the pandas to my giant cache of plastic explosives.

Its illegal to hunt them (according to my lawyers it was self deffense. The panda had a gun *wink*) and ive eaten one. its like eating a skinnier version of snookey from Jersey Shore. (why dont people pay me to be an idiot on TV)  WARNING: DO NOT EAT SNOOKY!!! THE AMOUNT OF PLASTIC IN HER NOSE AND BOOBS WILL GIVE YOU DIAHERRIA AND THE AMOUNT OF UV RAYS IN HER SKIN WILL GIVE YOU CANCER!!!

So its obvious their just getting it on with each other. Ive seen them looking at another male panda seductivly. I know what you are all thinking. Evil Toast your just jealous of the pandas. Its true I am. I know their trying to seduce me eating their bamboo all sexy like they do. But the problem with dating a panda is that he doesnt call you rhe next day. Then you run into each other at a party and its just ackward cause hes with another guy named Chad and your with another panda and u just look at each other weirdly and then cry yourself to sleep that night. Its true ive been there WAHHH WHY DID U LEAVE ME PAUL PANDA WHY DID U LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!!


*DO TO TECHNICAL DIFFULCULTIES WHICH INVOLVES EVIL TOAST CRYING IN A CORNER WHILE LISTENING TO LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE THIS IS WHERE THIS BLOG ENDS*

You'll Laught, You'll Cry, and You May Vomit a Little & I Tell the True Meaning of Thanks Giving

Thats right every one im talking about that pointless holiday between Hallowen and Chrismas.
Im Talking about Thanks Giving.
Now what is the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Giving Thanks? Hell No! Family? Dont make me laugh! (seriously when I laugh its like tickle me Elmo mixed with the pillsberry dough boy.) I KNOW ITS ABOUT COMING TOGETHOR IN PEACE??? BULLSHIT!!!!!
Its about tricking your enimies in to baking you food then slaughtering them infront of their families, stealing their land, raping their women, and destroying their sacred culture.
Thats rght im talking about the pilgrims and the Native Americans. (Ohh u think im cruel? Your the one that kills a turkey then shoves bread up its dead ass only so u can later eat that bird.) I can only imagine how the end of that feast went down. 
Pilgrim:WOW that was a great feast only makes me feel bad what were about to do to u.
Indian:What are u going to do??
Pilgrim:GIVE U THE BIGGEST PEICE OF PIE!!!!!!
INDIAN:  =)
Pilgrim: Also were going to take your land and kill most of you.
Indian:   =(
(thats exactly how it went down kids ask your teachers.)
But BOO FREAKIN WHOOOOO Indians. Your not as peace loving as you say you are. The Apachaes went around takng other indian tribes scalps. (Thats when they take a hatchet to your head and skin the top of it off like a fleashy tuna can) Then they collected the scalps and wore them. Im cruel but not that cruel. (Actually i am that cruel but the FBI took my hatchet......long story short i ended of in guatemala bay.)
Besides you want to know what happened to my ancestors who thought it was a good idea to stay in the Ukrain??? The russian soildeirs came raped everybody (boys and chicks) slit peoples throats and chopped of there hands and lined the dead bodies up against the church. Then they burned the crops. So the people who did survive frozed and starved to death. But you dont see me complaing. (Thats cause instead of complaing i have plans to conquer Russia and change it into the biggest amusment park ever. This is all top secret so dont tell the FBI.)
Besides Indians first of all u get your own reservations. Sure there poverty ridden hell holes but their your poverty ridden hell holes. Second you get your own casiones. If some on shot me in the crotch but then gave me a casino id freaking kiss them. (This isnt an invitaition to shoot me in the groin. I know some of you are thinking about it.) Third we named are sports teams after you. I mean thats just epic! i sent the NFL a letter petioning for a team called the FIGHTING EVIL TOAST but they havent responded.
Besides with out the Europeans you wouldnt have alcohol, guns, and sexually transmitted dieseases. You know all the things that make life fun
So Indians be proud of your new lives and stop trying to make me feel bad cause i could honestly not care less.


Closing Lines: So rember the true meaning of Thanks Giving this year. Destroying your enimies. So instead of spending it with your family (come on you see them every day) have dinner with your enemy and then when they go use your restroom put C4 under their car, take a dump in their pool, or hire the mafia to kidnap their favorite pet and hold it for ransom. (If the FBI catches you doing this you dont know me.)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE >=)

Making the Internet a Filthier Place one Post at a Time & I Talk About the French

Thats Right im back and im full of more weirdness than ever.
Today we are going to talk about the french. Today in my latin class(I hate latin so much its like if hulk hogan put on a metal boot with spikes and repedtly kicked u in the groin right after u just got raped by a porqupine!) r spanish exchange student told us that most countries hate us but France hates us the most
I guess i would be mad to at a country that shaved us in WWI and WWII. Oh wait no i woudlnt id be giving them backrubs and monkeys in sombreoes and a talking lama. I mean cmon Franch ur such push overs i mean seriously u had America, England, and Russia on your side i mean cmon. OHHHH NOOO the very tiny country of germany is coming at us if only we had an army and really powerful allies. WAIT WE DO LETS SURRENDER ANY WAY. seriously at this point u might is well change ur flag from red, white, and blue to just white. OHHHHHH but evil toast the french invented the baget. 2 THINGS!!!! 1. Its just stale bread in the shape of a crescent who the hell wants to eat that!!! 2. Doughnuts are much cooler and we invented thoose or at least stole em from the germans or something.
But Evil Toast they invented the Eiffel Tower. 2 Things. 1. It looks like a ginat dick 2. we have the washington monument that also looks like a dick but is bigger. So ha France we have the bigger dick
But Evil Toast french wasnt always such cry babies what about the France Revolution.
They soooooo ripped that off from our revolution those copycat cheese eating surrendor monkeys
Surly Evil Toast u have something good to say about Franch???
Well yes i do they invented french kissing.........................wait a second now that i think of it thats just a good way to spread herpires.

SO IN CONCLUSION THE FINAL SCORE IS
USA=5000000000000000000
FRANCE= -150

so with that all i have to say is


USA
US500000000000

The Chupacabra

Now I know what you are all thinking. who let this idiot have a blog? Well the answer is the internet did so ha >=)
Yeah any who why the Chupacabra u ask. Well i was talking to a male mexican underwear model (who are u to judge) so i asked him do u have a bigfoot in Mexico? Well they dont for some reason.(cmon even Canda has a bigfoot) But they do have something so hideous so terryfying that michel jackson looks like a baby angel compared to it. The Chupacarbra (aka The Goat Sucker.........yeah im thinking perverted things right now to) Now the theory of a Chpacarbra is that its a vampire that sucks the blood out of goats or an alien that also sucks the blood out of goats. So pretty much its what happens when ET and Edward Cullen get drunk and have a baby.(Hey it could happen) It has alluded hunters and trappers. Who did mexico hire to kill this thing? Elma Thudd? Its the hideous child of an emo teen vampire and a gay alien doesnt sound to hard to catch??? so yeah thats my 2 cents on something random u know become my follower and we shall rule the world (Well i will but I might send u a gift basket)