Just Like Jesus I've risen again on Easter

Hey everyone I’m back yeah I’m not even going to come up with an excuse why it’s been so long. You know how it is one moment your following a candy bar on a string next there's a box over you and you’re working as a sex slave for the king of Nigeria. (Jokes on him because I got that candy bar)

So let’s talk about something absolutely no importance the royal wedding. People are calling it the event of the year so suck on that earth quake in Japan with thousands killed or war in Libya which actually affects are lives. So I’m going to cover all 3 of these issues.

Royal Wedding- So yeah the Prince of England is marrying some random chick proving once and for all that even a normal girl can be a princess. WRONG it proves that even if you have bad teeth (England for country with free health care your dentist suck) and a stupid accent you can still get a hot chick if you’re rich and the prince of your own country. Coverage begins at 3am. There is no way in hell that I’m going to get up at 3am to watch a wedding I wouldn't get up at 3am for my own wedding. I mean I’m an American we fought a whole war so we wouldn’t have to eat biscuits or watch polo or watch a Royal wedding. Yeah I’ll watch Michal Jackson's a crazy pedo's funeral but not a magical wedding. Also what are they the Royalty of they can't execute me (believe me the queen has tried. She didn’t want me breaking into her palace she should've got a higher gate and better guards.)

Japan- So yeah Japan has been hit by an earthquake a horrible tragedy so it's my job to make fun of it. I don't know why it’s taking them so long to rebuild I mean Godzilla wrecks that place like once every week and they rebuild it in like a day. Godzilla is going to be pissed when he shows up.

Godzilla- Who the Hell destroyed Japan??? >=(   Mothera did you do this?
Mothera- Nah man Me and King Kong were picking up chicks on Monster Island
Godzilla- Hellz yeah let’s get are drink on.

Yep ohhh and some nuclear plants had a meltdown so now even more giant mutated lizards yay!!!
No seriously guys donate money to help Japan it’s the right thing to do.

War in Libya- WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST HOW SUPRISING!!! Like that’s never happened. Soo yeah NATO is getting involved. (NATO is pretty much the Justice League of countries.) So finally France is getting involved. Their Equipment is shiny and new almost like they have never been used ohh wait....... it hasn't. For some reason though Libya is still standing even with a civil war going on and most the powerful nation's in the world fighting.

Well thanks for joining me today on this intergalactic trip of awesomeness see yeah next time 

IM GOING TO START A MOB

Sorry its been so long im sick. I dont know with what so im going to say scarlet fever. Thats when u get a rash every where, (if you know what i mean) thats a great excuse to touch youself

Mom:Billy what are u doing up there
Billy:nothing mom i just got scarlet fever
Mom:oh okay


Soooo ive decided im going to start a mob. Not the stupid kinds with the bandans and the drugs and the crappy beat up cars that bounce up in down like JigglyPuff of crack.

NO JIGGLY PUFF IM SORRY NOOOO1

(After a quick ass whooping by jigglypuff evil toast returns). Oww where the heck was I. Ohh yeah the mob thingy. Yeah I think id be an awsome mob boss we would where suits and drive ferri's own limo driving monkeys and hang out at hooters. (thats the real happiest place on earth, disney world needs to get more strip clubs is all im saying. That would make my little mermaid not so little any more)

Ohhh Your One to Talk JigglyPuff Your not Even Wearing Pants 

Which brings me to POKEMON!!!!! AWW HELLZ YEAH WHO DOESN'T LIKE POKEMON!!!

I'll tell u who nazi's and terriost don't like pokemon. Now the only problem i have with POKEMON!!!

Is that ash wants to catch all the POKEMON!!! but he only has like 10 of the POKEMON and they make like another hundred every year i mean pick up the pace man grab your balls. get a good firm grip on them and just throw them in the face of them cute little animals fast and hard.

Also in POKEMON there characters are like theirs the rarest pokemon ever then a week later aww never mind thats the rarest POKEMON ever. (every one knows chuck norris is the rarest POKEMON duh.

Then the poor POKEMON live in theese little balls (like justien beibers. And u thought i wouldnt bash justien beiber in this post did ya.) I mean some of theese POKEMON are 3 stories tall and they live in thees ballz. They only get to come out when i want them to kill other POKEMON. Thats slavery and where going to have a POKEMON uprising and all die now.

well thats it for today see you guys soon......Oh no JigglyPuff get back into my ballz this instant ohhh no the pokemon revoultion has begun nooooo...

(the blog ends hear with evil toast getting beaten up by jigglypuff yet agian)

SHEDDING A LITTLE COMEDY ON A HORRIBLE EVENT THAT THREATENS TO KILL US ALL

Soo Yeah its that time of the year when the Groundhog come out and you know the old saying if the Groundhog sees his shadow all hell goes lose in Egypt. (If you think im being harsh on the groundhogs its cause I am. Thoose douche bag gopher wannabees keep giving me more winter dammit.)

Yep I know what your thinking problems in the Middle East who saw that coming. Because you know the Middle East has been totally peacefully. This is if you over look the couple dozen crusades constant war with neighboring countires, and crazy bands of terrorist its perfectly fine. (My favortie crusade was the childrens crusade. The Christians basicley siad "Were losing this war cause we dont have God's favor. I know God likes kids maybe if we send an army of toddlers against the almost endless hordes of Middle Eastern warriors we will surley win this. OMG WE LOST???? YOU MEAN THAT 4 YEAR OLD COULDN'T KILL THE 27 YEAR OLD MAN, BUT THAT WAS SUCH A FOOL PROOF PLAN!!!" 

So the president of Egypt won't step down from his office (also he stopped their internet. Dude no one messes with my farmville. I go Jackie Chan on their asses. >=(  ) so people began protesting and of course the only proper thing for the president to do is send his elite calvary. Thats right i'm talking about sending 5 soilders on camels armed with nothing but sticks to take down thoose 5,000 protesters. (The childrens crusade had a better shot.) Thats a good plan an all...okay actually im going to be honest thats the stupidest plan I've ever heard (and im the master at bad plans surprisingly putting firewroks in you pants will not lauch you into space. But the rockets did hit uranus.) All you did was get thoose five guys beaten to death, phissed off the crowds even more, get made fun of on my blog, and probley scarred thoose poor innocent camals for life. (I like camals they remind me of humping which im trying to make an olympic sport but so far little luck. I have gotten allot of sexual harrashment lawsuits though.)

The UN has advised all americans to evacuate the city. (whats with Egypt and it's Exoduses?)

So there is debate on what form of government will take control. Well the way I see it Egypt was at it's peak when it had a pharaoh. So I think they should kick it old school. Get some half dog half human people running around (don't want to know how that happend.) , get some slaves and get them all killed so you can have a bigger triangle than the guy before you (thats what she said), make some mummy's, ohhh and get your king one of thoose stupid looking goatees then every other country will take you seriously.

P.S sorry this one is soo short (thats what she said) but im tired and the egyptian people I pay to type this thing are all protesting so ill see you next week

Soooo yeah comment follow, go grab a camel star wave a stick and terrozie your neighbors.BYE =P

UGHHHH EXAMNS THEY ARE THE BATMAN TO MY JOKER. THE RUSSIA TO MY AMERICA, THE JUSTIN BEIBER TO MY UMMM.... ME

Well its been forever since I posted. (Almost as long as my.....ear lobes. Yeah thought I was going to say something else didnt you.) Sooooo yeah its that time of the year. Exams. Basiclly we take all we learned during the quarter and make us take a giant test on all of the material that is worth allot of points. OOOOOHHHH Yeah thats a great idea because I failed the test when I only had to study 1 chapter so surley ill do fine when I have to study for 10. (who ever thought of that is the worlds biggest tool and that includes me.)


I had to study for world cultures. Soo basicly I watched 300. The manliest movie of all time.(yep nothing like a group of half naked men thrusting their wood at wave after wave of sweety men.)

For latin i studied by.... ha ha like I studied latin grow up.

For Scriptures I think ill pray to God you know if its for God in some way he has to do it right...right??? He owes me for all my charity work im a donner. Yep a sperm donner. It's like locks of love but funner.

For English Ive tatooed the whole book to my back like in prison break soo im just going to randomly take off my shirt and look at my back with a mirror. (thats almost as good as a plan as the terriost that put a bomb in his underwear and caught on fire. Cmon America how have we not won this war when they are hiring guys like that.)

For science theres no such thing. Science is just witch craft. Like the earth revolves around the sun... yeah right we all no the sun is just an illusion made by china to keep us buying sunglasses. Gravity is a lie the government made to keep us from flying to mars where theres no taxes. Its true ive been their it has rivers of beer and rains strippers covered in chocolate.

Uhhh who the hell needs math its not needed. In the future we wont need math cause we will need to fight of the hords of zombie Kolas from space that have taken over. This all happens after instead of actual making a real science project I just throw the Kolas into space and see what happens. 20 years later when Paris Hilton is president the Kolas come back destroy starbucks (which has made enough money to raise there own army and are the major superpower.) Since im the one who made the Kolas the people of the world put me in a robotic body to defeate the Kolas. Once im done I take over the world with my new robot powers (thats what you get for putting a crazy idiot in a robot.) and make an army of tickle me elmo's. I asked my fortune teller this and she says its true. (ie. science professor.) Heres an artist rendetion.

Thats Hot

So on that note i leave you. p.s I may be expanding to youtube maybe not. So follow me commet it will stop the kola hordes.

IM FINALLY BACK FROM EUROPE So Sit Back and Let Uncle EvilToast Spin You A Yarn

DEAR GOD  I haven't updated this thing since 2 weeks ago (so if this is rusty dont come after me unless your a hot chick, or decent, or ugly, or a man im not picky)

Soooooooooo i went to europe (read the title moron) so im going to give u a quick run down of my trip.

France
SOOOOO I went the Lovre (basicly a big fancy ass museum just like the sexatorium in Israel. Its a real thing look it up.)  and one piece of art really represented french culture the best 

I Dont Know why but it caught my eye

Also the gaurds dont appreciate it if you take a nap in Napoleans bed (then wet it) the gaurds get kinda of phissed(and by kinda i mean they will hit you faster then kids running away from Michel Jackson) Also the cops there mean buisness. You see their army is involved in no wars (shocking since we know how much the french love fighting.) so they have nothing better to do then patrol the malls and streets and their packing grenades and machinguns when they do this.

Soldier: Hey that old lady is jay walking that sick SOB open fire!!!

So that was a major damper on my plans of taking over France. Then we went to Napolean's tomb. When that dude got buried he meant buisness his tomb is huge also he is buried with a very prestigious man of great honer and dignity. A Mr. Faucker

Plz u think  i could make this stuff up. So Napoleans tomb was super classy golden pillars marble coffins.(thats nothing compared to my tomb its going to have a water slide open bar, stripper poles, jack black, a petting zoo, a roller coaster, stripper poles, a bowling alley a giant gummy bear, ohhh and a stripper pole) so everything Napolean had was big *cough* over compensating *cough* (im talking about his height not his dick pervs god)

Germany 

Well it was a sasuage fest (teehee) litarely nothing to eat but sausage. If you order something American that blows their mind. i ordereda cheesebuerger they gave me a piece of raw meat with an egg on it?!?!?! (I need a pair of nice toasty buns to bury my face in........0___0....you know what i mean)

SOOOO we stayed at a small hotel that had buetiful wooden architexture but apparently was built for leprechauns cause the doors were soo small. I kept banging my head it was like living with the munchkins from the wizard of OZ. Except instead of singing and dancing and candy I got yelling in german and sasuage.

We went to church which i couldnt follow cause it was in german I mean toilete what the hell could that mean (i think it means some kind of rocket ship)

Also German TV has comercials for porn on every channel even nickolodean.(u might think im a porn man im not its for sick lonley people its legless hookers for me or nothing.) SOO we get to the train station and almost every train is cancelled. We finally do get on a train to Prague but all of a sudden we are dropped off at the border between Germany and the Czech Republic but all i know is that some germans are yelling sneil at me and shoving me off a train in the middle of the wilderness. (WW2 falshbacks)

Prague

Relax another train takes us to Prague from their. We get to the hotel at 1am and they have soda candy and popcorn in my room (I was in love) Also the czechs love americans becuase we both hate the Russians. (Strange countries dont like it when you forcefully occupy them and make them give you all their resources strange I know.)

Soo yeah we go to the Charles bridge. Where the Czechs love throwing people off of. (cuase u know what else are u supposed do on a bridge. well their was a hobo who would bow down to you so you would hve to give him money. Thats the problem with our hobos no class) Also they love their creepy statues of skulls. So i went to the chocolate muesum. I learned that chocolate is an aphrodisiac(something used to get someone horny) so next time a boy gives you chocolates ladies knee him in the balls for trying to take your purity.

We also went to the torture museum. Lets just say they like hurting the genitials. (just like my ex wife...Peter Pands...i miss you) You know hit them with a hammer, saw them, cut them off, burn them and the worst torture off all put them in a chasity belt. (ps no chasity belt will protect you from me so dont even try)

SOOO That was europe hope it gave u a laugh or an STD you know which ever you prefer

Thanks for Reading =D

ONCE AGAIN I RUIN CHRISTMAS

SOOOOOOOOOOOO YYYYYEEEEAAAHHH
Sorry about the lack of blog lately. I haven't had the best week. (The best week I ever had was when the wall to that strip club across the street fell down ahhh yeah)
SOOO yeah snow day today. Its a day to drink cocoa, make a snowman, and write your name in urine on your neighbor's lawn.  (Sorry neighbors, it was too tempting) 


Christmas is coming on to us like a drunken hooker. Fast, sudden and the only way to get rid of it is to throw money at it. The most anticipated toy is a Barbie with a video camera that puts videos on the internet.  (Becuse the world does not have enough videos being posted on the internet by blonde girls made of plastic.) This toy is supposed to be very popular among little girls.  (And pedophiles that want to trick little girls into video taping themselves.) Serioulsy, who the hell thought that was a good idea?  (A creepy toy like that gets bought, but my toy "babies first hand grenade" doesn't?)  

SO, as we all know,  at this time of year  a fat old man with a beard, aka Santa, sneaks into your house and leaves gifts at your tree. Now, how does he afford flying reindeer, elves and the material to make toys? Well, I snuck into the north pole to find out.:
1. the elves.  They are not elves, they are really children Santa takes from orphanages. They are free cheap labor. (he stole the idea from NIKE; yeah they use child slave labor otherwise I wouldn't have found a help me note in my sportsbra....uhh i mean sneakers)
2. how does he see u when you're sleeping ?the same way I do.  He gets his friend the tooth fairy to put tiny micorchips in your teeth. don't worry; they dont do any damage (excpet erectile disfunction, extra foot, unexpected pregnency, explosive diaherria, explosive constapation, loss of hair, and horrible painful unexpected death.)
3.how does Santa have all the resources to make all these presents? Simple: he gets resources from the black market. yep that stuffed pony was once a real pony. That nerf gun is made from parts of a real gun. That tickle me Elmo?  u do not want to know what that is made of believe me.
4.yeah those flying reindeers? they are mooses.(flying reindeer? that's just ridiculous)

so follow, comment, send me a fruitcake (that was my nickname in prison plz dont ask)

Now Heres Something for the Ladies or Really Creepy Guys o.0 ???

I was in my room staring dreamily at my Taylor Lautner Poster......um did i say staring uhh i meant punching him in his rock hard dreamy abs of steel mmmmmmm (plz like u never thought this guys i mean he's almost as sexy as a panda) and it got me thinking about Twighlight. Yeah I've never read the books or seen the movies but im going to just use the knowledge my sister has told me.

So yeah theres an emo guy name Edward
SPOILER ALERT!!!
hes a vampire (el gasp) and even though hes 1000 years old (almost as old as Larry King) he still look like hes 18 and still goes to highschool. (if hes a 1000 years old and hangs around schools  does that make him a petafile??? also he hasnt been able to drink or buy a hooker for 1000 years that s rough.) Immeditly a normal girl (well as normal as u can be when ur attracted to emo bloodsuckers and harry people...wonder if she would like pandas) is drawn to him because u know a guys deep when he wears turtlenecks and is so pale that if u look at him u go blind. So he takes her on their first date to the woods. ummm yeah i dont care if u r a vampire dont go with a creepy red eyed guy to the woods believe me ive been their (shurrder) ohh unless he offers u candy then i say go for it. Soo yeah hes like i like turtlenecks, man eyeshadow, and sucking the blood out of peoples necks. Then the girls like OMG THATS SOO HOT. Its okay though cause he only hunts deer.(which is worse have u ever tried killing a vampire deer its hard.) Ohh and he glistens did i mention that. Yeah u know u are a manly man when u sparkle like michel jackson's sparkley glove (cause we know he is such a man. Which leads me to a question why do vampires look hot when they glisten b ut when i put sparkle glitter on myself people call me gay???)


Then theirs Jacob (Fan girl squeelll........uh i mean manly grunt)
So hes a normal kid that decides to try and pet the weird giant wolf thats growling at him and gets bitten(ooooooo who saw that coming) any way he becomes a werewolf that makes him grow(in height u perverts gawd) also it makes him become a werewolf when ever he gets phissed.(sort of like how justin beiber punches a 12 year old when he gets phissed....well in his defense that was pretty ballsy considering that the 12 year old could of taken him down in a second.) ripping his clothes (awwwww yeah) and turning into a wolf.(watch out!! Sarah Palin will track u down.)
P.S  I LOVE U SARAH I VOTED FOR U 5 TIMES (what i love thoose i voted stickers)
So the girl is like OMG I TOTALLY DONT KNOW WHO I LOVE ILL TOTALLY MAKE EM FIGHT EACH OTHER TO THE DEATH FOR ME LIKE TOTALLY(bitch alert) 
1. hmmm emo guy that glistens and has a bloodlust (like the teletubbies thoose sick bastards killed my family) or the Tan guy with Abs. OHHHH yeah impossible choice. Taylor can change into a wolf hes a boyfriend u can pet and put bows in his fur!!!!
2. Life would be soo much simpler if we sholved all our problems buy fighting to the death
3. u dont deserve either of them all u do is act emo, almost get killed, and cause a giant war between the vampires and wereolves (humans would win because we have bigfoot, the chupacarbra, the lochness monster, and the muppets on our side duh, oh and santa that dude will shove your stocking full of cool where the sun wont shine.)
4. and we all know i deserve Jacob duh(im not gay or am I???????? nah im not.)

ACTUAL SPOILER ALERT DONT READ UNLESS U HAVE FINISHED THE SEREIES!!!!
SOOOOOOOOOO she chooses the vampire gets knocked up (dude is 1000 years old their is no way thats his only kid. He probly isnt a vampire just some guy that says he is to pick up chicks.) the baby is slowly sucking the life out of her (just like octomom) she lives (yeah baby, booo girl)
Jacob has a weird bond with the baby..........come on man this is a  kids book gawd! ewwwwwwww!
And the series end leaving many a sad teenager girl (im looking at u justein beiber) 

Soo thats my review on Twighlight. Yeah blew ur mind didnt it. So my bloggyness has spread to some pretty cool people. check out these blogs 

http://theblogofsmallpockets.blogspot.com/
 http://randomshenaniganism.blogspot.com/
Their Posts are like a pot circle in your mouth and every ones invited (except me *sniff*)
Yeah follow, comment, send me a cookie